Writings: Angela

Once upon a time there was a land. A land of life. A land of colored cotton trees. A land of winding woven paths leading to only the wanderers imagination. Actually the land and paths and trees and life only existed in the image of each creature that had a desire to explore. For one moment of time, I will tell you of one young woman's journey through this land. Her name was Angela. We find Angela sleeping deeply in a warm dark cave filled with fresh moss and colored icicles. The icicles drip slowly into the mouth of the woman as she sleeps, feeding here dream images of tomorrows journey. A mix of tastes. Bitterness, sweet, seat, tears, and eros. As she awakens she has a sense of feeling lost. Angela is not sure which direction to turn. Deep down in her soul she knows that she creates her own destiny in this land. She is fee to put one foot forward towards her desire. But what is the point, she asks herself with a sigh? Why can't someone tell me where to go. I am so tired of starting over every day. Maybe I will set out to find other creatures that have walked the path before to show me what they've learned and then I can relax and not concern myself with such agonizing choices. In my dream sleep the icicles guide me to my thoughts. Isn't there something like that in the land? Somewhere someone? So Angela packed her backpack full of green moss from the cave which could be used as food for herself and barter to use in exchange for life messages with those she meets on her path. She began to put one foot in front of the other, imagining the color orange. A wide orange path was created under her feet with her thoughts. It had a bumpy texture and smelled of caraway seeds. she hated the smell of caraway so she laid a bit of her green moss on the trail and the smell turned to fresh mint as she stepped on it. Angela then heard a twitching sound in the wildflowers ahead of her. Who's there she asked, very excited to have met someone so quickly on her journey. No answer but a stillness sand the flowers slowly coming back into place. Who's there please Angela asked again hoping she wasn't just hearing things. In a flash, she saw a rabbit dart across the path from the flowers. He moved so quickly she couldn't even notice his color. Are you afraid of me Angela asked? I won't hurt you. I have some moss here for you if you speak with me. I need to know what you know about this land. I'm tired and need your help. The rabbit slowly peaked one eye out from behind the flowers and said, 'ok, only if you don't touch me. You must never touch me and I'll talk. Angela agreed and laid the moss down for rabbit. Rabbit ate the moss very quickly and darted his eyes around as he spoke. I've learned on this path to be very careful not to trust anyone. There is always someone after me, trying to eat me, consume me. I must keep moving and watching so that no one can catch me. I am not free to stroll like you. I must fear for my life at all times. 'Wow' Angela said, that must be so difficult for you, always watching your back. I could never be happy living like that. Don't' you have any friends?' 'Well I have only other rabbit friends who area also scared and must protect themselves.' 'Well why did you trust me, that I would not eat you?' 'I'm not sure you won't rabbit said, and he darted off into the wildflowers in a flash. Angela felt thankful to receive this message from rabbit because she could see how she was different. I'm not afraid to trust she said to herself. Poor rabbit. Angela sat on a rock and fed herself some of her moss. He stomach thanked her for the nourishment and helped her move further down the path. She quickly came upon a large mountain cat sitting in a nest of cotton from the cotton trees, slowly and meticulously licking herself. Every inch of fur seemed to get covered by her tongue. Angela watched in amazement because the cat seemed so content and comfortable in her licking. Like she didn't even notice anything around her. Very different from rabbit she thought to herself. Why doesn't she notice me? Angela began jumping up and down trying to get cat's attention. Surely she's hungry for some moss she thought. She can't get everything she needs from her own skin! Cat finally after what seemed like an eternity, looked out of the corner of her eye at Angela and said, 'What are you doing bothering me like this? What do you want from me?' I want to give you some moss so you can tell me what you know about the land of life, so I don't have to figure it all out all the time.' 'Well I don't want your stupid moss cat replied. You can't buy my knowledge. Anyway it's only for me, it wouldn't fit for you. I am a cat and you are a woman. You need to trust yourself. I like to be alone.' The woman felt devastated and confused. Cat wanted nothing to do with her. She was so comfortable alone. Why am I not comfortable alone she asked herself? And what did she mean about buying her knowledge? She sat down in a clump of land and cried. She even tried licking herself like cat, but didn't like the salty flavor of her own skin. And she cried and cried feeling stuck and alone, but not happy like cat. After the tears, Angela took a nap under a pink cotton tree and awoke to a baby bear prancing around her, pawing at her and licking her face. Pooch she laughed and giggled and squirmed as the baby bear danced around and on top of her. 'Oh this is so fun!' Angela shrieked. You want to play with me. So they played and played and chased each other and danced and made up games and rolled down pastures and walked hand in hand down paths of mystery. Angela felt happier than she ever had in her life. She loved bear so much. He wanted to do the same things as her and she didn't even have to ask him to play, he came to her. Angela and bear spent a long time together. Months went by and bear grew into a big bear. When the snow began to fall, bear began to stop playing and told Angela he needed to hunt for food and nourishment for the winter. 'Oh, I'll hunt with you, Angela Squeaked and I'll hibernate with you. We always have fun doing things together.' Bear agreed and they made their way towards the cave together for winter. They snuggled together in the cave. Angela had never felt so safe and warm and loved before. But after a few weeks Angela began to get restless in Bear's paws. She was too hot, she wanted to move her body, to smell fresh air, to eat fresh food! But she was trapped in Bear's arms and didn't want to wake him up or to disappoint him if she left the cave. He had done so much or her and she worried he would be upset. Angela weighed her choices and finally decided she needed to go, despite her love and devotion to Bear. He was fun to play with and to be loved by and to love, but they didn't need the same things as she thought. Some things were the same, but others were not. She slowly removed herself from Bear's arms and left him with a note that he could wake up to in springtime. It explained her feelings and that she would play with him then. Angela set out on the path again, relieved to be in the fresh air, to see the colored treetops peaking out of the snow, to eat fresh berries. And she felt proud of herself about her decision to leave Bear. It had nothing to do with Bear but only was about taking care of herself. Maybe this was what Cat was trying to teach her but she wasn't very nice about it. As the night sky fell, Angela began to hear the sound of an Owl's voice whooing and whoooing around her. Whoo's there the Owl asked. It's me Angela. Whooo's Angela the Owl asked. Well that's a big question still in question said Angela. But I can tell you a few things about me if you'd like to hear. 'Of course I would Owl replied.' Angela began to tell Owl about all of her adventures on her path. She first spoke of Rabbit and how she learned that fear keeps creatures from interacting and sharing in life and she knew that she didn't want to life her life in fear. She wanted connection and touch with those around her. And then there was Mountain Cat she explained, who taught her the value of being alone and taking care of yourself. She also learned that sometimes you don't have to give to receive. Cat didn't want her moss or anything from her, but she offered her words of wisdom from her own life. Angela explained that she had always thought life had to be an equal give and take for things to move forward and for people to like each other. And then there was Bear, oh Bear whom she loved to the depths of her soul. She had felt a connection so deep she thought they were one and that would be ok. She felt truly known by Bear and didn't have to give things but gave only her love and honestness. She learned however, that Bear could not satisfy all of her needs and that being so close all the time didn't allow her to know herself and what she really wanted. And now she was looking for more answers in more creatures, but she felt more peace and calm than she had when the journey began. Owl interrupted to say, 'It sounds like you've learned some valuable lessons from your experiences. I have been watching you as you have moved along. You see, I am a wise Owl and I see all of the happenings here.' 'Well now I'm embarrassed and ashamed Mr. Owl if you have seen all of me. When I tell my story it all sounds so clear, but I've been in some pretty dark places along the way that I didn't want anyone to see.' 'And what do you far I think about your dark places said Owl?' ' I guess that I should have known more, moved faster, stuff like that Angela said.' 'Well from my perspective, I have seen you as an explorer who never stops seeking and being curious and loving those around her. You leap into new experiences while remembering the lessons you've learned along the way. I see your dark places as resting spaces where the knowledge and riches gained from your last experience can integrate and transform and grown into deep grooves of wisdom. I am a compassionate observer of your path, not a judge or authoritarian. I know from my own experience that deep wisdom comes from deep experience and riding out the struggle. Are you happy being so wise Mr. Owl? Well that depends on how you define happiness, but in my way, I see happiness as momentary pleasure and peace blended together, just as sadness or anger are momentary experiences that will transform to the next experience. For me, wisdom helps me feel comfortable in my feathers. It allows me to experience many things, feelings and emotions without forgetting who I am and what I value in my life.' 'But I'll never be as wise as you Owl. I'll never have as much experience as you.' 'Oh, Angela, Angela don't you remember, this land of life is all created by your own imagination. I am just a part of your life creation. So you are as wise as me. You have been learning all of this from yourself. Remembering yourself. Remember?